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I am at peace with it...really I am. We could have made it work. We would have been happy. But it wasn't the right time. And I'm truly okay with it. So why am I still feeling a little sad for what could have been?
I would have been due today. It was a total surprise pregnancy. I only knew for about five weeks before I miscarried. But that was long enough to really impact me. The first week I felt total denial. Then confusion and even anger. By the 3rd week, I started to feel a little hopeful, thinking, "well Heavenly Father must have a plan for our family." I even started to get excited/happy during the 4th and 5th weeks. Simon and the new baby would be 16 months apart -- just like Max and Ruby were. Tough - yes. But wonderful at the same time? Totally. Was I ready for another baby? no. But was I sad when I lost it? Yes! It's so strange, all the emotions I have been through. I am fine for the most part, and very thankful for the children I have. But now and then I think about what might have been -- especially today.
I would have been due today. It was a total surprise pregnancy. I only knew for about five weeks before I miscarried. But that was long enough to really impact me. The first week I felt total denial. Then confusion and even anger. By the 3rd week, I started to feel a little hopeful, thinking, "well Heavenly Father must have a plan for our family." I even started to get excited/happy during the 4th and 5th weeks. Simon and the new baby would be 16 months apart -- just like Max and Ruby were. Tough - yes. But wonderful at the same time? Totally. Was I ready for another baby? no. But was I sad when I lost it? Yes! It's so strange, all the emotions I have been through. I am fine for the most part, and very thankful for the children I have. But now and then I think about what might have been -- especially today.
Bottom line: Babies are a blessing. Planned, unplanned, hoped for or not. Pregnancy is a miracle that I have learned, in my limited experiences, to cherish. I feel bad that I was even angry about being pregnant! But it is what it is- I can't lie about how I felt. I've tried to learn from those emotions.
And: Loss is loss. We all experience it in different ways, but to whatever degree, whether it's a miscarriage or a death ... it's painful. I sometimes downplay my loss by saying "oh it's ok, we weren't planning it" but that doesn't help. Can't I be sad about it? Even if I'm thankful at the same time that Heavenly Father waited for a better time (I hope) to bless us with another child? I think the answer is yes.
But I still take a moment today to think about what who could have been.
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38 comments:
oh Bless sending you huge cyber Hugs.xoxoxo thinking of you and your Husband and the beautiful lil one.
hugsxoxo
Thinking of you. And I think it's OK to feel whatever you feel at that moment. All feelings are valid. Thanks for sharing something real.
I had something similar happen (went to my 11 week appointment and no heartbeat). Because so many people have experienced a miscarriage I felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve something so "common". I gained about 15 lbs. by eating treats to cheer me up and then FINALLY let myself work through it.
So sorry for your loss. It matters, and it hurts but it gets better too! HUGS!
Thanks for posting this. I was pregnant and lost a baby back in November at 13weeks. My due date was May 30th and that day was ok- partly because I had just found out I was pregnant again on May 16th. However, I lost that pregnancy last week. I'm not sure about you, but I dreaded all the days leading up to that last due date and I'm sort of bitter about the fact that I now will have that experience all over again around the middle of January. In a way, it's comforting to know others are going through the same thing- not that I rejoice in someone else's pain, but it shows me that I'm not alone. Thanks for the post!
Praying for peace for you and your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sar, I feel for you today. I have a card to go out in the mail for you that's totally unrelated, but I know I should have sent it 3 days ago and I didn't. Why don't I listen?
I like how you said it: Loss is Loss. I really feel like we have to mourn those losses and allow ourselves to learn what the Lord would have us learn from them.
I love you.
Jul
Oh Sara! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you today.
Sara,
You are so right. Loss is loss and it should never be downplayed just because someone's circumstances may seem "worse" than ours. It doesn't make your hurt any less real. I'm sorry.
Aw, that hurts this mom and grandma's heart. I love you to pieces and I'm glad we have each other to lean on when sorrows and trials come our way!
You so said what I have been thinking. I was due on May 30 with our 6th. Totally unplanned but very loved. I was 15 weeks along when I miscarried and it's hard. But you have a baby who is with the Lord and living in perfection. That part is easier to take, isn't it?
I am so sorry for your loss! Children truly are a blessing whether they are planned for or not.
Hugs to you today Sara. :) I'm glad I got to see you as I was literally running to the airport. I hope you will be uplifted today! Hope to talk to you soon!
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Oh Sara, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is so hard and the grieving process is a constant roller coaster. Just deal with and accept the different emotions as they come. Pushing them aside for another day will only prolong it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Thinking of you and your sweet family at this time.
I'm so sorry to read this, a loss is heartbreaking :-( I hope that time and faith bring healing and you take all the time you need for yourself.
oh sara. i'm sorry you had to experience a miscarriage. one thing i cannot imagine! however...i believe it IS ok to be mad about being pregnant. the day before i found out i was pregnant with ainslee me and peyson were totally hating each other. and i decided i never wanted another kid ever again. so when i got a positive test i didn't even wake up derek to tell him. i just left it on the sink. and it took me probabl four months to get used to the fact. i didn't even smile at the first ultra sound.
feelings happen whether we want them to or not. but we can learn from them. or we can just have them and then some day we move on. i hope your heart can heal. your babes are beautiful. and so are you! thinking of you. hope you can take the time to be sad. because it really does help us heal.
Thanks for pouring out your heart and sharing this bit of who you are with us. That is a gift in itself. I am praying peace and healing in your grief.
Oh Sara, hang in there! I haven't experienced this before but I want you to know (and as I can see :) ) that you have many friends who care for you guys! I don't doubt that it's hard though!!! Hang in there, love ya!
Saying a prayer for you and your family today.
oh sara I'm sooo sorry!
Thinking of you my friend.
Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts out your way. Any loss is hard and we muster through it the best we can. Thanks for sharing this with all of us as it appears from the comments above, your loss is one shared by so many others and hearing your experience offers a little condolence and support to them as well as the healing it can help bring to you. Hugs!
{{{hugs again}}}
Thank you for sharing - it was so beautifully written. It makes all of us rejoice in our children and reminds us of those we didn't have the fortune of meeting but will someday! God bless you and your family.
Sorry to hear about this Sara! I just love the way you expressed your feelings. I was just thinking about you guys the other day - hoping things were going okay - worrying about David's health and all that. Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers!
Ditto Sara - I've been there twice. However, had they not happened, I wouldn't have the two great kids I do have. My prayers are with you sweet lady. Jenn
I am so sorry Sara! You are an amazing person and Mom. And I agree a loss is a loss. you are in my prayers
I'm so sorry, and I hope you're okay. You should feel how you want to feel and cry if you want to. God will give you another baby when the time's right. Hope you're doing okay!
Sorry to hear about this, Sara. I'm glad you're able to share so others who have or will experience this can feel your strength.
You are very brave and amazing! Lots of hugs your way.
This is real and very well put. So many different things touched me about what you wrote. I can't even really explain why. Thank you for sharing. It is impossible to know what someone has been through and to really be able to help them until you've been there. Already you're doing good things for me and for these other ladies with the life experiences you've had and shared. Thanks for keeping it real.
G
Almost 10 years later I still think of my little one that would have been. I felt the same way when I found out we were unexpectedly expecting! Those where your feelings at the time, and they are ok to have! It's only normal to worry, that's what parents do! Please know you are in my thoughts. Also know there is a light at the end of the tunnel! You never know how things work out, my angel baby and Bridger (Bridger was the next pregnancy I had after) had the same due date! Let me know if or how I can help! Love you!
Oh I am so sorry for your loss, and know exactly how you feel. 1.5 years ago I miscarried at 12 weeks and I still think about that child and "what could have been." Thanks so much for sharing, so many have experienced miscarriage and I find that so few people share, thanks for being brave enough to post about it!
The day I was due after my miscarriage was super surreal, filled with lots of emotions. I was actually pregnant again, so that changed things quite a bit too. I learned so much from that experience and continue to see the things I learned through hind-site revelation. You are brave to put this out there. Way to be strong.
Oh, Sara. I am so sorry for your loss. I've been through this myself and I think about my baby every September, his/her due date. Thinking and praying for you.
I know exactly how you feel. I was due during the first week of August four years ago. It was completely unplanned and total surprise. It only took me about 30 minutes to get on board with it. I was already 8 weeks when I found out and I started to miscarry at 10 weeks. It was three days before Christmas and so there wasn't much holiday cheer going on that year. This was 2006. I still think about it and miss that baby. My sister and a neighbor were both due at the same time as I was and I look at their kids and think about who is missing from my family.
None of it makes sense to me. At all. The only thing that I can think is that I needed someone on the other side watching out for me and that was the best way for Heavenly Father to tie that little angel to me.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew the words to make it all better for you. I don't understand why things like this happen, but I do know that both you and I will get to be mothers to those babies in the next life.
hugs
-E
oh sara darling i am so sorry. my heart aches for you! i think it's good to share so we can send love your way. you don't need to bear this alone. loves!
I can't believe I missed this post...you said it all perfectly. I'm sorry. Such an emotional several months for all of you, I can't believe you would have already been due. Love you friend.
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